Small Pink Fish

The dog gets it. Find the sun and rest. There hasn’t been much sun this week, or rather there has been but the weather is constantly swapping it’s spring and winter hats. Sunshine to dark and snow, constantly. Light and shadow.

And that’s about how it’s going. My back’s great and I’m a powerhouse and then it goes enough to make me have to sit. The kids are rocking school and then we hit a massive wall and my chest starts to ache – moment of zen, poof! Finding balance is so key but so hard right now.

And it’s not like we had it all figured out before. The weird, really weird thing is that right now, almost, it’s like we’ve been given a gift (that sounds horrible) more like a break. Hear me out. And by we, I do mean my family. School had been almost impossible for my oldest because of his anxiety. But now, he’s on more even footing with his peers. It’s still hard, and I have no idea what will be on the other side of this for us – but we’re doing our best.

I’m halfway through reading Lean Out by Tara Henley and I’m loving it and it’s taking away some of my own guilt and stress. Henley changed her life completely when she realized it wasn’t working for her, anxiety and other health issues being the major clues. She gives so many examples of people who listened to what they needed and then did things differently to survive, do more than just get by. Who wants life to be just getting by?

I loved that she writes that the way out of unhappiness and stress is not happiness, as one might guess, but hope. “It always felt, in those moments of listening, that the opposite of this vast, collective sadness would not, in fact be happiness. It would be hope. Hope for a different future, one in which we were all less alone”.

Things not working out leaves us feeling as though we’re failing because ‘not working out’ usually means that we’re not doing things the way everyone else is doing them, how we think things should be. And of course worries within my home are all very small pink fish to fry. My tiny problems are nothing compared to everything else right now. But they’re our stories. If we can be brave enough to listen, rewrite them (which we’re all going to have to do) and then share them – that’s hope!