Holding Back

I bought this mug on the last day of school. It was last Tuesday, early because there are still no exams. The sun on the other side is awake and smiling. Tuesday was also Summer Solstice so I was drawn to it.

And now I have the summer stretched out before me like the duvet on my bed that I am still sleeping under because I hate sleeping without it. It feels safe and comforting, even when I don’t need it because the night is too warm.

I need to get out of my comfort zone, is where I’m going if that wasn’t obvious. In my writing, I stay away from going deep, I don’t know if I do it on purpose, I must to play it safe, easy, keep people happy. Yes, I do go to therapy in case you were wondering. šŸ™‚

I feel lately, or I always have, I’m just recognizing, that I’m standing over a pool I want so desperately to jump into but it is covered in sludge, keeping me from going deep. I think I so often feel I’m just on the outside, so full of things I want to write and say. Like now with Roe being overturned, I’ve felt on the verge of screaming or crying. I’ve never had an abortion, but I could have and that doesn’t even matter because just because I haven’t doesn’t mean people love haven’t or won’t need one and telling stories is kind of all we have in this moment, even though it’s not fair.

I want to stop worrying about ‘not enough’. My shaking doesn’t make me ‘disabled’ enough for instance, and there’s so many other things like that I feel. I’m fucking 46 years old and I’ve been though a lot. I think I need to stop being quiet and know we’re all enough, more than that. We just are. I might start going deeper, or at least trying to, and that’s kind of exciting.

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